Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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