I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
