I should be sponsored by Trojan
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
