WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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