I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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