My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
