my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
