So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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