1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
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He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
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You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.