I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
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He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
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He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"