I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel