I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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