We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
