just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
