2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.