Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing