matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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