well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
