Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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