i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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