i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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