JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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