yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Randomize
