I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
