I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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