too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
