i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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