Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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