I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
