he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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