In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
