I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
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All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
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Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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