Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
