bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
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You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
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is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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