can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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