Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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