When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
