Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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