if only i could text you this smell
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
