I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
