I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
