i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
