I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
