I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
