This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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