Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
