i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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