i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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