I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
