can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
