office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
