Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
