Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
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I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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