That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
