My balls are so social today.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
