I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
