Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
